Day care dilemma...

Amu was 8 months old when Pawan and I had boh exhausted all kinds of leave possible with childbirth.
Yes, dads can take bonding leave too, not many avail it though.. I think Pawan is an exceptional father.
I can see in the way he handles the baby..he is wonderful..
He spent a month at home with her before he had to get back to work...and there we were the hard fact staring at us in the face.
So, we had to put her in a day care? Oh god!!! not my baby...
We found one lady pretty easily and were satisfied with her..
the day we met her, I felt sick. Because i wanted to work, I sent my child - the most precious thing in my life- to be taken care of by some one else? Was I really considering doing this?
It turned out to be yes, I was... and it has been 6 weeks since she started day care.
Every day is an ordeal for me -oh no, it has nothing to do with Amu-as soon as I wake up, the guilty pang begins. I know Amu's look. She need not say anything. I am sure she must be puzzled.
She hangs on to me and refuses to go to her nanny when we get there. But just once and as if she has resigned to the fact, she goes off with a pitiable look on her face. And the excitement with which she greets me when I pick her up, actually makes me feel more guilty.
Her nanny is only too happy about her. "she is such a nice baby, never heard her cry really.. and always smiling" WOW! lali you are amazing...
She is afterall a baby...I thought a couple of weeks into it and we'll get used to it.. but no, I feel really sad each and everyday!!!!

And the weekends and the days she is home with us, I see a marked difference in her behavior.. she is happy and excited

Why does parenting come with so many tough choices? Does every mom have these feelings or am I over reacting?
Amu I hope you understand and fogive me.
God give me strength to quit this job and stay home with her...let that day come soon.
Every night I wish the next day I did not have to work and get to spend time with Amu...

kararavindethi padaravindam

I learnt this slokam about krishna when I was a kid and I recite it everyday even to this day.

" Kararavindethi padaravindam

padaravindethi mukharavindam

vatasya pathrasya putesayanam

balam mukundam manasa smarami"

It means with his foot in his hand, he puts it in his mouth...

he who likes to stay on the leaf of vata tree - krishna I think of you with all my heart.

Well.. since the time Amu was born.. I wanted her to do it and she finally did it..
it was amazing to see the ease with which she put her foot in her mouth..only this time it is not an embarassing situation.. quite the opposite.. it was an achievement.. a milestone for me... even though it's not acknowledged as one by everyone.
My only regret is that I did not capture it on film :(. Maybe the next time she does it I will.

Amu fell...

Amu fell down from the bed today. I am entirely to blame for her fall. I feel so wretched at such times. Maybe I am over reacting but I was so scared when I heard that sound from the bathroom. I knew what happened. I found her lying near the chair, crying, I never saw her cry so... there were million things going on in my head at that time. Had she hit the metal base of the chair? Was she fine? Pawan was not at home. Oh god! was she fine? I called the doctor's helpline and they have not called back yet.

It was my neglect that had caused her to fall. Am I a bad mother? I must be. How could I not see this coming? She has been rolling over for the past almost 3 months for now. We were playing before that and she was all excited. I just left the room for a minute. The exact thoughts going on in my mind while I left her were about her being one of the carefl babies. She never rolled over to the end of the bed even. What a parody? I hope I will be better from the next time. God, help me be a good mom.

Amu started solid food....

This blog is long overdue.. almost 3 months, from the time I stopped writing her journal every night..at last I think I reached a point where I decided I should not wait any longer

Amu is sleeping beside me.. so tranquil, I feel envious about it. I feel so insecure about her at times. Today is one of those days. I fed her rice cereal today. I had the same feeling when we first started to bottle feed her, when I got back to work after my maternity leave. Was she going to go away from me? I hope not. At that time I could not imagine some one else feeding "my" baby. Now, she has started eating.. she's become big enough to eat, to explore new tastes.
I am pretty sure it would not be long before she will get independent and would want to eat by herself... do I sound philosophical? Well, she makes me that at times. I am having so much fun with her that I don't want time to pass. Can't it stay still for some time???

Coming back to the event today, we were at her pediatricians' office for her wellness check and vaccinations when the doctor said it was time for us to start feeding her solid food. She said going forward breast milk might not be completely adequate. I had post poned it long enough.. for the fear of her getting away from me. I guess I am the stereotypical mom that every mother thinks she would not be when they were not mom's... does it make sense?

I guess I keep drifting away from the actual thing... we fed her first rice cereal mixed with milk at about 10:45pm. half hour before her bed time - just as the doctor had suggested - I was sceptical... but to my surprise she was amazing. She totally loved the food and I think she completely enjoyed eating. She made the satisfying sounds while she ate. She is ready I think. I bought her a pooh feeding bowl and some heat sensitive spoons to mark the occasion.

Well, my baby who is one day old according to me has grown up now. Somewhere down in my heart I was a little guilty that we did not do the "annaprasana" but I guess we had to do it and we did.